To You...

I just need to let go some steam...I apologize in advance if I lose you or if this ends up being too long.
It's funny how no matter how many times I feel like I'm slowly feeling not as bad that she doesn't really feel like talking to me, there always comes a day where I feel like complete shit about it. I mean, was I that bad of a boyfriend? Did I really not give her the attention she deserved when we were in public? Was all I did really put her down in ways that I didn't realize? So much soul searching has been goin on this past month and honestly, I think it has been pretty even. I did have shitty attitudes, stupid ass moods and overreacted when I shouldn't. I admitted it to her, and probably would understand if she said that because of that she just wants some time where we completely cut off communication. I mean, that's giving it a break, which is what she wanted. So that's what I'm trying my hardest to do, give her the space she needs, let her really find out what she wants, because that's all that should matter. I don't want her to be with me for no reason or if she is not gonna be happy with me. It would make no sense and I'm a grown kid to accept it. Yes, it would be extremely hard because I do love her, but it's like they say "If you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't it never was".
I don't wanna think of her as mine. She is not a possession, not something I can buy, not something I can own. She is a human being, and as such, she has her own mind and feelings, which I always try to respect. What bugs me is that maybe I should have my feelings respected too. I know it's a break, I know we have to give time...but it's like she doesn't even care about how I feel. If I tried complimenting her or be sweet while I was away, the most I got was a "aww, miss you too". Better than nothing... but why so many nothings? DO I really need this silent treatment? Do I really need this punishment? I don't know...I feel that maybe if she actually knew how much I am hurting right now, that maybe she would react different...but I don't want pity. I don't want her to feel any kind of obligation towards me. I just want her to love me in a way where she can understand that the minimal act when not properly explained can have massive impact. It's like everyone else can have some of her attention, except for me...not even a slap in the face not anything...
Maybe I brought this on myself, maybe the whole being detached from my feelings attitude was too much. I just didn't wanna feel like last summer, when I was crying because I couldn't be with her. And ironically, that is almost the point I reached this summer. I guess you can't help some things
I just wanna be able to tell her how much she means to me and having her actually believing me. I just wanna be able to look at her, say "I'm in love with you" and have a genuine smile back. Just wanna be able to see a spontaneous message from her without me having to chase it. Just wanna see if she still cares for me...Too much to ask perhaps...
Every day I fight the urge to send her a message explaining how I feel, exactly because last time I did it all she could say was that she didn't know what to say...and as any person would do, I just told her to think things through and let me know what she wants when she feels it’s right. I can't put a time limit on that, obviously. But should I keep on trying to talk to her? Should I just leave it completely and work it out when I get back there? Should I just say she had enough time and my heart can't take any of this anymore?... I'm just so confused as to what to do... I hate feeling like this, but if this is the only way we can still be connected then I'd rather be like this. I know, cheesy, stupid, ridiculous...all the things I think exactly. But she brings this out of me...and it's because of that that I just can't let her go. She makes me want to fly, want to be with her, want to hear that sound she makes when she is upset, want to hear her laugh when she is excited about something...but at the same time she makes me wonder if I deserve this. I really don't know what to do...hopefully it's just another week till I go back there and will be able to speak to her face to face. But what if she doesn't wanna do that? What if she doesn't wanna be with me? What will there be left? Sure, I can move on, won't have another choice but to do so...but will it be because I gave her too much space that she felt like I didn't care anymore or because I gave her too little space and she felt like suffocating? Right now I'm the one who can't breathe because of all this and because I hate not knowing where I stand. SO many questions, so many doubts...and yet only one really matters: Does she still care like before? I'm pretty sure she still does in her own way, it's just the uncertainty that is slowly killin me. I would forget everything and anything just to be able to know that. I mean, it's not like I wanna start seeing some other people straight away, it's not like if she dumps me that's what I'm gonna do, it's not like it makes a huge difference if she dumps me now or when I get there...I still have basketball, friends who love me and who I love, my mom, family, uni, all those things that make my life go on. My heart is not broken, or I’d be dead. I just need to breathe...

Workout blues

What's the crack home boys and girls?! Hope everyone is having an awesome summer and not as hard as mine! ;p I'm not one to complain though, it's being hard in a good way. I been working out quite a bit to get myself ready for the next season, and also to keep myself busy. I already shared with y'all the program I'm doing. So far it's going well, its just hard to keep up at times cuz I ain't got weights at home and the strength bands I do have are not always enough :( but it's better than nothing. As soon as I head back to B-ham I'll hit the gym and become the beast I'm looking to become! haha!

Anyways, other than that, just been looking after my mom...she was quite bad a few weeks back due to her immune system being almost non-existent...It just brought back memories of when she had breast cancer and was in and out of the hospital, going through chemotherapy and other treatments. Saddest part of my life...the good thing is that this time it was nothing to be worried about, after a few hours in the hospital and some treatment she was ready to go and now she's all good! :D unfortunately for me, this always happens when I'm having some other kind of issues in my life...but I guess that's what defines me, how well I deal with everything going on around me and in my life. Sometimes it is quite overwhelming and I can't even leave my room for a few hours. Hate feeling like that...like I can't even cheer myself up. Usually I'm the one always there for friends, always there to lend a helping hand, offering a shoulder to cry on, understanding whatever may be going on with anyone. This time it was me who needed someone like that and I couldn't find that person...or maybe didn't wanna find that person. It's funny how I never follow my own advice :) I always say talking is the best way to release any kind of pressure or anything, encourage it to the max! But when it comes to me, I tend to shut it down. I guess I know myself better than anyone and know exactly how to deal with my own issues no matter what they are. I bet any of my friends would be there for me though, so can't complain in that aspect, I am blessed :)

OOOOHHH!! Something also worth mentioning! Finally managed to be around my first ex (You will know her if you read the first posts... ;p) without feeling any kind of impulse to do anything! AMAZING! :D That was actually what made me feel better this whole week! We hung out, went to her cousin's gig, had dinner, went to a bar...all this in a perfectly friendly way! I was so nervous to meet her at first, but then just let things flow and all went pretty well. Didn't embarrass myself in any way! So proud! ;p I mean, there's always that somewhat awkward feeling because of all we been through and I been through cuz of her, but it's nothing compared to even when we saw each other last year! Who would've thought this personal growth program would help me even with that?... Maybe it will keep on working when I go back to B-ham ;p just kidding, it definitely will!

Damn, I miss B-ham...aight peeps, that's all for now, me thinks! Middle of workout week 3 and the soreness is mostly gone! Some results, but nothing worth posting up here...hopefully in 2 weeks! :D

Love y'all! ONE!

Training and thoughts...

Hey gang! What's the crack in the hood nowadays?! ;p

Remember that wourkout plan I started? Well, decided to add a little twitch to it. So far, it's been killing me doing this, my muscles are sore as hell, some times I can't even finish the reps I set out to do. However, I am only in week 2, my body needs to adapt to all this. And boy, is it doing so! I can see and feel some of the results already! :D makes me feel great I can have this motivation and mindset, really needed this so I wouldn't be thinking about stupid stuff again...I know, I know, it's just hard to help that. I think things through a bit too much and get caught up like that loads of times...usually only basketball helps me out, but since right now I can only play on the weekends, this insane workout is doing the trick! We'll see what happens in the next few weeks! Wish I could post the videos of the workouts I'm doing... =( I will be posting pictures after the first 30 days of the workout tho! Hopefully I will look way more developed than this ;p Aight y'all, take it easy, work hard and try not to overthink. Most times it only leads to something you don't even wanna think about in the first place... PEACE!

I guess there's no point saying this now
It feels like it's done and you''ll be gone, this doesnt count
But now you're about to go away

I realize every day
We made a mistake

You're the best thing I've ever found

Now that I want you, you're moving on
I tried to call you but nobody's home
I didn't notice how I felt till you went away
I guess I'm always a day too late

I'm not done though,you're waiting this long
There's no explanation, but I can't stop you if you wanna go
But we felt right all along
I miss you bad when you're gone
I finally opened my eyes and now I'm standing alone

You seem to run from me, like you can't to be bothered,

Believe that I finally see

We great for one another
Now honestly I get

The reason why you may have left
But damn I hope I can have you back ...

Cause I hate even the mornings

Cause I know what they bring
It means even if we're together when I dream, you're leaving
I know it sounds so selfish
I just can't help but think
That if you knew how much I needed you, you'd stay

I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way I feel about you every time
It's like I've had enough
I'm sick of wishing you was around me everyday,everynight
And you don't...Its way too much

I hate love

I hate phone calls
In the middle of the day
Cause you don't wanna talk

And just reminds me that my baby girl is so far away
It drives me crazy
Cause I need you with me
I know it may be hard for you to understand what I say

I just don't wanna feel this alone, but can't help it
Every time I think of you walking out I start missing you
Wish I didn't need you this much, can't help it
But I love you and how it feels when we touch

I hate love...

How do you forget?...

Hey y'all! What's going on!?

So it's summer time and I'm back in TugaLand, trying to enjoy all I can as always! =) Unfortunately this ain't really been the hottest summer...so far I've actually seen a lot of rain and cold seems to be wanting to stay around. Hopefully in the next few months it will go away!

So, what have I been up to, you may ask! (or not, but Imma tell you anyway!) Not a whole lot! haha! I know, quite sad...but I guess that's holidays. Had a couple of basketball tournaments, still got a couple more to go, nothing too big though. Went out a few times with friends I hadn't seen in a while, which is always great, but still got so many people to see and ain't had the chance...

However, I must say the biggest thing going on right now is my decision to stop being a sappy lame guy, as well as lazy at times, and introduce a new life plan! It will basically consist of:

- Not letting myself get worked up because of things I have no control of

- Try and fix my sleeping pattern to more acceptable hours

- Workout more often

It's not really a huge change to what I've been doing so far, but everyone needs a change every once in a while, and a certain chain of events that happened lately brought me to wanting to do this for me. Yes, it's for me, not to make anyone think different =)

Now the workout part is the one that is getting me more excited (as well as worried)! I downloaded these programs called P90X and Insanity Asylum, which are extreme workout programs for people to get fit in about 90 days. However, having the fitness experience I have, I decided to try and merge them, creating a schedule that seemed appropriate. Some of the things they do are ridiculous, it's gonna be extremely hard to start it up, but I think that will be the worst part. After getting it going, I'm sure I'll be fine :) would post some videos here, but can't really...will leave you with a "before" photo tho, and log back when I see significant results! If all goes according to plan, these should be visible within a month. Of course I also lack the equipment to do all this, but will try to work around it somehow!

Ok, in the meantime, I will just leave this thing on here that made me really think. It's by a portuguese author and I can't be asked to translate it right now, so will do it some other time. Its basically his thoughts on how to forget someone you love. Not that I want to forget anyone at the moment, but may need it again in the future...you never know what may happen :) Aight y'all, I'll leave you with this, and my pics at the end, just to throw you off a bit and because I can't be asked to do another post now ;p miss you guys! ONE!

Como é que se Esquece Alguém que se Ama?Como é que se esquece alguém que se ama? Como é que se esquece alguém que nos faz falta e que nos custa mais lembrar que viver? Quando alguém se vai embora de repente como é que se faz para ficar? Quando alguém morre, quando alguém se separa - como é que se faz quando a pessoa de quem se precisa já lá não está? As pessoas têm de morrer; os amores de acabar. As pessoas têm de partir, os sítios têm de ficar longe uns dos outros, os tempos têm de mudar Sim, mas como se faz? Como se esquece? Devagar. É preciso esquecer devagar. Se uma pessoa tenta esquecer-se de repente, a outra pode ficar-lhe para sempre. Podem pôr-se processos e acções de despejo a quem se tem no coração, fazer os maiores escarcéus, entrar nas maiores peixeiradas, mas não se podem despejar de repente. Elas não saem de lá. Estúpidas! É preciso aguentar. Já ninguém está para isso, mas é preciso aguentar. A primeira parte de qualquer cura é aceitar-se que se está doente. É preciso paciência. O pior é que vivemos tempos imediatos em que já ninguém aguenta nada. Ninguém aguenta a dor. De cabeça ou do coração. Ninguém aguenta estar triste. Ninguém aguenta estar sozinho. Tomam-se conselhos e comprimidos. Procuram-se escapes e alternativas. Mas a tristeza só há-de passar entristecendo-se. Não se pode esquecer alguem antes de terminar de lembrá-lo. Quem procura evitar o luto, prolonga-o no tempo e desonra-o na alma. A saudade é uma dor que pode passar depois de devidamente doída, devidamente honrada. É uma dor que é preciso aceitar, primeiro, aceitar. É preciso aceitar esta mágoa esta moinha, que nos despedaça o coração e que nos mói mesmo e que nos dá cabo do juízo. É preciso aceitar o amor e a morte, a separação e a tristeza, a falta de lógica, a falta de justiça, a falta de solução. Quantos problemas do mundo seriam menos pesados se tivessem apenas o peso que têm em si , isto é, se os livrássemos da carga que lhes damos, aceitando que não têm solução. Não adianta fugir com o rabo à seringa. Muitas vezes nem há seringa. Nem injecção. Nem remédio. Nem conhecimento certo da doença de que se padece. Muitas vezes só existe a agulha. Dizem-nos, para esquecer, para ocupar a cabeça, para trabalhar mais, para distrair a vista, para nos divertirmos mais, mas quanto mais conseguimos fugir, mais temos mais tarde de enfrentar. Fica tudo à nossa espera. Acumula-se-nos tudo na alma, fica tudo desarrumado. O esquecimento não tem arte. Os momentos de esquecimento, conseguidos com grande custo, com comprimidos e amigos e livros e copos, pagam-se depois em condoídas lembranças a dobrar. Para esquecer é preciso deixar correr o coração, de lembrança em lembrança, na esperança de ele se cansar.

New life...

Hey hey hey!

Wow...i can't believe it's actually been over 2 years since I last wrote on here...and my account is still active! DAAAAAAAAMN!! =p crazy stuff!
So where have I been, what have I been doing, why did I not write here anymore? All very good questions, to which I really don't have an answer other than...couldn't be asked?... Yea, I know, it sounds awful! I always felt etter sharing my feelings in written, but truth is that these years I been learning how to actually speak about them. Another thing that is not so good is that I learned how to shut them down quite a lot as well...remember that soft, gentle, sweet, love believin J.C.? Well, he turned out quite ok. Still can be all that, just not all the same time =p I had to learn to adapt. But hey, its part of life!
So what's new with me?! Let's see...I'm goin to university in Birmingham, United Kingdom. It's a cool place, mainly a student city, so lots of people within my age range and quite fun. I'm doing another degree, this one in Sports Management. Not sure why, but it seemed like a great option since nowadays everything is a business and the more you know about management and business and all that, the further you can go.
I have two tattoos now, one on my stomach and one on the left arm, on the inside. Still tryin to figure out a way to break it down to my mom! =p I'll show them to you guys tho:

So this one is made in cantonese letters and it's my favorite quote: "Never give up!" I chose these letters because I really wanted a vertical pattern and I'm into the whole oriental thing. Would prefer Japanese, but it looked like something you would see written in a Dragon Ball episode, so I just went for this. It didn't hurt as much as I expected. The character that is closer to the bellybutton did hurt quite a bit though. And the next one:

Ok, it's a little bit harder to understand, but the concept is 2 fishes (my star sign is Pisces) in opposite colors (the ying yang, because I believe in karma as well as balance of all things) one red and one yellow (red for family as it is blood and yellow for friends, as it is the color of friendship) all around the outline of a basketball because that is the center of my world. It seems like quite a complex meaning to one tattoo, but since I am not planning on having any other ones done, this seemed perfect and I absolutely love it! =D

What else?...I'm still single. Had a great girlfriend along the way, but managed to mess it up and things weren't working the way we expected them to, so it was best to end it. Not making any plans of getting involved in the future though, that just brings hassle and for some reason I always end up hurting someone I really don't want to hurt. I guess I am meant to be single...but it's better this way. I barely have free time as I am playing ball for my university team and for an 2nd division team here in England. Also with university assignments and having to work part time to make extra money for rent and everything else, it becomes a bit hard to have time for other things. However, I am happy. Have awesome housemates! Francis from Germany, who is gonna move out soon unfortunately, Marek from Slovakia and Andreia from Portugal. I just call them mom and dad =p We live by the reservoir in Birmingham, which is pretty sweet for walks and to chill.

Not quite sure about what else to say...I have a few more things to share, but right now have to study, got an exam tomorrow. Hopefully will be back here in less than 2 years=D

See u guys soon! X

Why don't I learn?...

Yo! Just droppin a quick somethin somethin I hadn't posted on here yet...nothin new...I guess I just can't seem to learn... =p Luv y'all!

Quando amamos alguém e esse alguém não nos ama
Sofremos várias vezes e apagam a nossa chama
Sei que não é facil optar por outro caminho
Seguir uma estrada longa, sem defesa e sozinho
Os sentimentos são esquecidos e ignorados completamente
Por um outro coração que não ve e que não sente
E o sofrimento vai aparecendo sempre para destruir
Tudo aquilo que sentimos ou que queremos sentir
O tempo vai passando e pelos vistos nada mudou
Mas a vontade de estar contigo sempre em mim ficou
Nao foi à primeira mas com o tempo vi que eras a escolhida
Para ser amada por mim até ao fim da minha vida
Sempre tentei dizer-te o que realmente sentia
Com palavras ou olhares meu coração irradiava energia
Com tanta euforia eu continuo dizer
Que te adoro e és a razão do meu viver
Renasceu um sentimento que cresce dentro de mim
Passo horas, dias e noites sempre a pensar em ti
És o meu desejo
És tudo pra mim
És o sentimento mais perfeito que já alguma vez senti
Mesmo assim acredito e não paro de sonhar
Um dia estarei a teu lado para te amar
Sou aquele que te ama
Que te deseja e que te adora
Estou aqui para te dizer que um homem também chora
As saudades que eu sinto, passado cada momento
Expressando em poesia todo o meu sentimento
Dizendo que te amo, deixando meu coração aberto
Sentindo a tua ausência mesmo quando estás por perto
Às vezes fecho os olhos com vontade de chorar
Com medo de acordar e nunca mais te encontrar
Amei-te no passado, também te amo no presente
Amar-te-ei futuramente, quero ficar contigo eternamente
Se tu não existisses o que seria de mim?...
Louco, perdido... É só por ti que eu sou assim
Se amar fosse um dom eu seria privilegiado
Pois eu amo-te, ainda que não saiba se sou amado
Amar-te é um sentimento quente
Que está sempre presente
Continuamente se sente
No coração e na mente
Carrego este sentimento que é mais forte que eu pensei
E digo com toda a certeza que para sempre te amarei
És a minha dama
A minha amada
Minha princesa
Inspiração que eu tenho vou buscar à tua beleza
Espero que compreendas que eu não sou perfeito
E que é o teu nome que carrego sempre no meu peito
Quero caminhar contigo no mundo da fantasia
Demonstrar tudo o que sinto com versos e poesia
Durante todo este tempo foste só tu quem eu quis
Mas se não estás comigo como posso ser feliz?...
Procuro dentro de mim e então encontro resposta
Nao há fim quando se realmente gosta
Por isso sou um SURVIVOR, e amo a minha vida
Ainda que pouco entre na tua, para sempre serás a minha pretendida...

C W M... =)

8 de Dezembro...outra vez...

Dia 8 de Dezembro...e ainda não consegui esquecer
O que esta data há 4 anos me veio trazer
Tantos momentos...recheados de sensações
Fáceis ou difíceis, mas momentos de emoções
E agora é nos momentos mais difíceis que eu mais sinto a sua falta
Momentos em que estou sozinho, meu coração pula e salta
Por saber que não te encontras aqui,
Que não tás comigo, estás sempre longe de mim
É algo inexplicável tudo isto que sinto por ti
É por ti que eu rimo, é por ti que eu estou aqui
Se eu sou prosa, tu pra mim és poesia
Se eu sou ilusão, tu és a minha fantasia
Minha obra prima, meu maior valor
És a dor no meu coração cheio de amor
O amor por vezes é cúmplice do sofrimento
Sofrimento é o maior traidor de um sentimento
Sentimento que eu tenho, neste momento é só um,
É por alguém que bem merece...sabes bem que és tu...
Assim, mais uma vez canto e encanto por ti
Em todo este tempo sabes que eu nunca te esqueci
Alegria é o que me dás quando tás a meu lado
Por ti estou apaixonado, num momento desesperado
Renegado pelo amor, aceite pela dor
Numa triste emoção presa no meu interior
Aquilo que escrevo transmite o meu sentimento
Estarás sempre dentro de mim, estarás sempre cá dentro
Sempre foste aquela dama especial
Sempre foste sincera, como tu não há igual
Adoro-te e sempre te adorei
Sempre te quis na minha vida, por ti sempre lutei
Por vezes...sei que me precipitei
Tou arrependido por isso, peço desculpa se errei
Sempre ficarei aqui... a teu lado
Sentir-me realizado por um dia ser teu namorado
É isso que eu sonho... todos os dias
Contigo, com palavras, versos e poesias
Vou escrevendo à medida que vou pensando
A vida não pára, em frente vou caminhando
Mas nunca desistindo de um dia te conquistar
De um dia poder-te beijar e abraçar
Vou prometendo a mim próprio que nunca irei desistir
Cada vez que me olhas nos olhos fazes-me sorrir
Fazes-me sentir... bem, não sei explicar...
Só tu me fazes rir quando no fundo quero chorar
Por ti mudava o mundo, trocava a terra pelo mar
Ia até ao fim do mundo só para te demonstrar
Que em mim podes confiar e dar-me a tua confiança
Sei que é difícil mas não perco essa esperança
Se só o tempo pode mudar esse pensamento sem fim
Então só ele poderá fazer que um dia estejas junto a mim
Às vezes sonho contigo pensando que já sou teu damo
Mudarias a minha vida se dissesses “Jorge és tu que eu amo!”
Uma enorme saudade é o que eu sinto neste momento
Um enorme vazio é tudo o que sinto cá dentro
Por saber que não tás aqui fico preso na solidão
Por isso escrevo tudo o que sente o meu coração
Peço-te apenas um minuto para que te possa demostrar
Para que te possa explicar o que se está a passar
Esta situação é difícil de enfrentar
Mas mesmo sem forças continuarei a lutar
Por alguém que todo este tempo sempre sonhei
Alguém que sempre desejei, alguém que sempre adorei
E nunca imaginei gostar assim tanto de alguém
Dama... jamais te esquecerei
Por ti era capaz de ir até ao infinito
Acredita nas minhas palavras que dizem tudo o que sinto
Transmitindo amor, tristeza e alegria
Ajudam-me a acreditar que te conquistarei um dia
Acredita que o que eu digo é com a mais pura emoção
Todo este amor e toda a minha paixão
Sei que parece impossivel o que estou a tentar explicar
Estupidez, parvoíce...o que quiserem podem a isto chamar
Digam o que disserem, isso pra mim é indiferente
Porque tu para mim serás sempre A Pretendente
Tu és a realidade de um sonho, és o meu único objectivo
És o calor que me aquece, o ar que me mantem vivo
És a paixão que me desespera, o perfume que me seduz,
Tu és aquela que me dá alegria, na escuridão tu és a luz
Mesmo sem ti, seguirei sempre o meu futuro incerto
Mas para ti, o meu coração estará sempre aberto
Continuo a crescer, a viver e a deixar viver
Sempre que precisares, um amigo aqui irás ter
Fales ou não fales, precises ou não,
Não irá fazer muita diferença
Deste tempo todo só tiro a certa conclusão
Que amar-te para sempre é a minha sentença
Mas enquanto estiveres feliz eu também tou, isso sei
Mas não é à toa que disse, digo e sempre direi "Come what may"...

=)

PEACE AND LOVE Y'ALL!