To You...

I just need to let go some steam...I apologize in advance if I lose you or if this ends up being too long.
It's funny how no matter how many times I feel like I'm slowly feeling not as bad that she doesn't really feel like talking to me, there always comes a day where I feel like complete shit about it. I mean, was I that bad of a boyfriend? Did I really not give her the attention she deserved when we were in public? Was all I did really put her down in ways that I didn't realize? So much soul searching has been goin on this past month and honestly, I think it has been pretty even. I did have shitty attitudes, stupid ass moods and overreacted when I shouldn't. I admitted it to her, and probably would understand if she said that because of that she just wants some time where we completely cut off communication. I mean, that's giving it a break, which is what she wanted. So that's what I'm trying my hardest to do, give her the space she needs, let her really find out what she wants, because that's all that should matter. I don't want her to be with me for no reason or if she is not gonna be happy with me. It would make no sense and I'm a grown kid to accept it. Yes, it would be extremely hard because I do love her, but it's like they say "If you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't it never was".
I don't wanna think of her as mine. She is not a possession, not something I can buy, not something I can own. She is a human being, and as such, she has her own mind and feelings, which I always try to respect. What bugs me is that maybe I should have my feelings respected too. I know it's a break, I know we have to give time...but it's like she doesn't even care about how I feel. If I tried complimenting her or be sweet while I was away, the most I got was a "aww, miss you too". Better than nothing... but why so many nothings? DO I really need this silent treatment? Do I really need this punishment? I don't know...I feel that maybe if she actually knew how much I am hurting right now, that maybe she would react different...but I don't want pity. I don't want her to feel any kind of obligation towards me. I just want her to love me in a way where she can understand that the minimal act when not properly explained can have massive impact. It's like everyone else can have some of her attention, except for me...not even a slap in the face not anything...
Maybe I brought this on myself, maybe the whole being detached from my feelings attitude was too much. I just didn't wanna feel like last summer, when I was crying because I couldn't be with her. And ironically, that is almost the point I reached this summer. I guess you can't help some things
I just wanna be able to tell her how much she means to me and having her actually believing me. I just wanna be able to look at her, say "I'm in love with you" and have a genuine smile back. Just wanna be able to see a spontaneous message from her without me having to chase it. Just wanna see if she still cares for me...Too much to ask perhaps...
Every day I fight the urge to send her a message explaining how I feel, exactly because last time I did it all she could say was that she didn't know what to say...and as any person would do, I just told her to think things through and let me know what she wants when she feels it’s right. I can't put a time limit on that, obviously. But should I keep on trying to talk to her? Should I just leave it completely and work it out when I get back there? Should I just say she had enough time and my heart can't take any of this anymore?... I'm just so confused as to what to do... I hate feeling like this, but if this is the only way we can still be connected then I'd rather be like this. I know, cheesy, stupid, ridiculous...all the things I think exactly. But she brings this out of me...and it's because of that that I just can't let her go. She makes me want to fly, want to be with her, want to hear that sound she makes when she is upset, want to hear her laugh when she is excited about something...but at the same time she makes me wonder if I deserve this. I really don't know what to do...hopefully it's just another week till I go back there and will be able to speak to her face to face. But what if she doesn't wanna do that? What if she doesn't wanna be with me? What will there be left? Sure, I can move on, won't have another choice but to do so...but will it be because I gave her too much space that she felt like I didn't care anymore or because I gave her too little space and she felt like suffocating? Right now I'm the one who can't breathe because of all this and because I hate not knowing where I stand. SO many questions, so many doubts...and yet only one really matters: Does she still care like before? I'm pretty sure she still does in her own way, it's just the uncertainty that is slowly killin me. I would forget everything and anything just to be able to know that. I mean, it's not like I wanna start seeing some other people straight away, it's not like if she dumps me that's what I'm gonna do, it's not like it makes a huge difference if she dumps me now or when I get there...I still have basketball, friends who love me and who I love, my mom, family, uni, all those things that make my life go on. My heart is not broken, or I’d be dead. I just need to breathe...

Workout blues

What's the crack home boys and girls?! Hope everyone is having an awesome summer and not as hard as mine! ;p I'm not one to complain though, it's being hard in a good way. I been working out quite a bit to get myself ready for the next season, and also to keep myself busy. I already shared with y'all the program I'm doing. So far it's going well, its just hard to keep up at times cuz I ain't got weights at home and the strength bands I do have are not always enough :( but it's better than nothing. As soon as I head back to B-ham I'll hit the gym and become the beast I'm looking to become! haha!

Anyways, other than that, just been looking after my mom...she was quite bad a few weeks back due to her immune system being almost non-existent...It just brought back memories of when she had breast cancer and was in and out of the hospital, going through chemotherapy and other treatments. Saddest part of my life...the good thing is that this time it was nothing to be worried about, after a few hours in the hospital and some treatment she was ready to go and now she's all good! :D unfortunately for me, this always happens when I'm having some other kind of issues in my life...but I guess that's what defines me, how well I deal with everything going on around me and in my life. Sometimes it is quite overwhelming and I can't even leave my room for a few hours. Hate feeling like that...like I can't even cheer myself up. Usually I'm the one always there for friends, always there to lend a helping hand, offering a shoulder to cry on, understanding whatever may be going on with anyone. This time it was me who needed someone like that and I couldn't find that person...or maybe didn't wanna find that person. It's funny how I never follow my own advice :) I always say talking is the best way to release any kind of pressure or anything, encourage it to the max! But when it comes to me, I tend to shut it down. I guess I know myself better than anyone and know exactly how to deal with my own issues no matter what they are. I bet any of my friends would be there for me though, so can't complain in that aspect, I am blessed :)

OOOOHHH!! Something also worth mentioning! Finally managed to be around my first ex (You will know her if you read the first posts... ;p) without feeling any kind of impulse to do anything! AMAZING! :D That was actually what made me feel better this whole week! We hung out, went to her cousin's gig, had dinner, went to a bar...all this in a perfectly friendly way! I was so nervous to meet her at first, but then just let things flow and all went pretty well. Didn't embarrass myself in any way! So proud! ;p I mean, there's always that somewhat awkward feeling because of all we been through and I been through cuz of her, but it's nothing compared to even when we saw each other last year! Who would've thought this personal growth program would help me even with that?... Maybe it will keep on working when I go back to B-ham ;p just kidding, it definitely will!

Damn, I miss B-ham...aight peeps, that's all for now, me thinks! Middle of workout week 3 and the soreness is mostly gone! Some results, but nothing worth posting up here...hopefully in 2 weeks! :D

Love y'all! ONE!